I know I haven’t blogged or written anything in a very long time, but recent events in my life have inspired me to do so.
At this point in my life, I am no longer in a relationship and I have less friendships than I thought I would too. I’ve had to learn, the hard way, that when people want to walk out of your life, they will do either one of two things. Thee first option being that they’ll literally walk out on you no matter how hard you fight, no matter how much love you poor into the situation. The second option is that they’l show you in their own actions that you clearly are not meant to be in their lives, either at this particular point in time or forever. Whichever option they choose, they always end up showing you and you have to learn when to fight and when to let go. The trouble is, when the bond you have with a person is so deep and so strong, you don’t think of the possibility of letting any of them go. The thought never crosses your mind. Like once your heart is all the way in it, your brain has absolutely no chance at convincing you that forever doesn’t last too long.
It’s ironic actually, “Forever Don’t Last” is the name of a song by Jazmine Sullivan. A song that I had earlier refused to listen to, because I thought it was sad, and I was also under the silly notion that forever indeed meant forever. The truth is that we don’t know how long forever really is, only God does. He can make forever be as long as he wants them in your life, or as long as you need them in your life. He can make forever actually forever, or he can make it those 10 minutes that felt as if they were forever. In the song, Sullivan sings “Lord knows I gave I my all and/ I couldn’t save us from falling/ Cause some people ain’t meant to be together forever forever” and it’s a lesson I have to learn. Everyone keeps telling me that these are lessons I have to learn in life weather I like it or not, but it still feels unreal. Once you really love someone you expect them to love you back the same way, if not more! Not everyone is like that though, and it is a valuable lesson to learn once you are willing to accept it.
The stress of these lessons being thrown at me back to back has proven to be quite a lot. I’ve felt broken, empty and many other things I dislike. Being a happy person most of the time, it really weighs heavy on my heart when it takes long periods of time to get back to the happiness I already have inside. I guess you begin relying on other people for your happiness when you get close enough to them. Losing yourself along the way is a dangerous thing, especially when the forever isn’t actually forever and you have to go back and find that strong person you were before all of these people. This is where God’s plan comes into play. I have tried and tried to make such bonds last for strenuous amounts of time just because I thought I needed them, and because I wanted them to last. However, it seems as though God has another plan for me, and He is obviously removing these people from my life for reasons that I am unaware of. There hasn’t been one year where my faith has been challenged so often except this one. In 2016 I have never been so surprised in my entire life. Maybe God has better things waiting for me, maybe he’s preparing better people for me, and me for them. Maybe my “forever” wasn’t meant to be forever just yet but the faith I now have is unbelievable. Finally starting to accept things for the way they are rather than my hopes of what they will be or what they could’ve been is a beautiful thing. Some days it’s harder than others, and some days it’s like nothing has happened at all. I guess that’s just part of the journey to becoming the best version of myself, the version God knows I will be if I just let go and have faith.